So it’s been almost six months since Kiera died. I would imagine that anyone who hasn’t been in this position probably thinks that I should be getting over it now. Moving on. Getting back to normal. I will admit I have been avoiding any sort of social circumstance. Especially anything that involves a large(r) group. I’ve been out enough and not a single person has asked me about Kiera, about what happened, about my birth story. How is it possible that someone can go through such a profoundly life altering experience and yet the world does not talk about it? Does not even acknowledge it? It’s a hard one. I get it. Before I was in this position, I don’t know how I would have treated someone in this position. And I guess that’s the problem. How are we as a society so bad at dealing with grief?
In this time, we’ve heard them all. All the things that people think they’re supposed to say to someone who has experienced the death of a loved on. Time will heal. Everything happens for a reason. She was too beautiful for earth. You are so strong. You’re doing so well. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know they all come from a good place but the fact is that none of those is true. The truth is that life is tragic. Shit happens. It could happen to anyone at any time. Time doesn’t heal. It may get easier to live, and the grief may not always be so heavy, but I don’t believe we will ever be healed. At the end of the day, like everyone else, we lay down and we try to sleep. And now, almost six months later, most nights this is not too difficult. The days are long, and we try to fill them as much as possible, so falling asleep isn’t as hard as it used to be. But one thing remains. I still have to wake up the next day. Waking up is the worst part of the day. By far. When I wake up, there might be a split second (if I’m having a good morning) where I think that life is fine and as it should be. But then reality hits and there goes the morning and sometimes the day. I must have some new wrinkles on my forehead as I find myself waking with a scrunched angry face almost every day. Angry at the reality that I am having to live with every single day. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for. A lot. But waking up sucks. And it will continue to suck for the foreseeable future – I know this.